How many planks do you see?
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Great Story To Share in Your Bar or Tavern
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, went on field trip to see a brand new racetrack in their community. The idea was the children could learn about thoroughbred horses and actually get to see some of the horses in their stalls. The children were accompanied by two female teachers.
After walking around the race track for a couple hours it was time to take the children to the bathroom. Since there were only two teachers it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's room. All of a sudden one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinals - they were all to high.
Feeling awkward but having no choice, the teacher had to go inside to help each one of the boys. First she undid their pants, then she hoisted them up up one by one. It was obvious she was going to have to hold their "you know what" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted the fourth boy the teacher could not help but notice that this boy was unusually well endowed for his age.
Trying not to show her embarrassment she said, "You must be in the 5th grade." “No, ma'am”, he replied, “I'm riding “Silver Arrow” in the seventh race today, but I really do appreciate your help”
After walking around the race track for a couple hours it was time to take the children to the bathroom. Since there were only two teachers it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's room. All of a sudden one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinals - they were all to high.
Feeling awkward but having no choice, the teacher had to go inside to help each one of the boys. First she undid their pants, then she hoisted them up up one by one. It was obvious she was going to have to hold their "you know what" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted the fourth boy the teacher could not help but notice that this boy was unusually well endowed for his age.
Trying not to show her embarrassment she said, "You must be in the 5th grade." “No, ma'am”, he replied, “I'm riding “Silver Arrow” in the seventh race today, but I really do appreciate your help”
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Friday, January 24, 2014
The Bacon Tree - A must read for all bartenders
Two bartenders are driving on a seldom used back road through an isolated stretch of the county. They are on their way to a large country estate that is hosting a big party they agreed to bartend at. As luck would have it their car breaks down. The two bartenders are somewhat familiar with the area and know a gas station is just a few miles up the road so they get out and begin to walk towards it.
After walking a few minutes one of the bartenders says to the other: "Hey do you smell that.” “Smell what the other replies”. “Bacon! Do you smell bacon” “Yeah it sure smell like bacon??” Confused they keep on walking and there in the distance they see a small leafy tree covered in bacon. There are strips of raw bacon on it, fried bacon on it, back bacon on it, double smoked bacon on it, and every imaginable kind of cured pork bacon one can think of.
"Look” one says – “it really is a bacon tree”. “No way” says the other one – “it must be a mirage.” “Have you ever heard of a mirage that smells like bacon?” With that, one of them starts to run towards the tree. As he gets within 5 yards of the tree a couple of guys guns suddenly appear and start shooting. The bartender is hit repeatedly and drops to the ground.
After walking a few minutes one of the bartenders says to the other: "Hey do you smell that.” “Smell what the other replies”. “Bacon! Do you smell bacon” “Yeah it sure smell like bacon??” Confused they keep on walking and there in the distance they see a small leafy tree covered in bacon. There are strips of raw bacon on it, fried bacon on it, back bacon on it, double smoked bacon on it, and every imaginable kind of cured pork bacon one can think of.
"Look” one says – “it really is a bacon tree”. “No way” says the other one – “it must be a mirage.” “Have you ever heard of a mirage that smells like bacon?” With that, one of them starts to run towards the tree. As he gets within 5 yards of the tree a couple of guys guns suddenly appear and start shooting. The bartender is hit repeatedly and drops to the ground.
Mortally wounded, bleeding profusely and in great pain he yells out to his bartender buddy "go back, it’s not a bacon tree!" Confused and scared and laying on the ground to protect himself the other bartender yells back "Well if it’s not a bacon tree what is it?" Using his last few breaths the wounded bartender yells out -
"Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
It’s ... a Ham bush."
"Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
It’s ... a Ham bush."
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Thursday, December 26, 2013
The New Minister Is Against Alcohol
The new minister in town was completing a temperance sermon he had written for his new congregation. He said with great emphasis, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river
With his sermon complete, he sat down and the congregation sat silent ... stunned by his words and strong beliefs.
The Church's organist (a part-time bartender at her brothers local tavern) very cautiously stood up and walked slowly over to the organ. When she sat down she opened her hymnal and announced 'For our closing song, let us all turn to Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'
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