The Bacon Tree - A must read for all bartenders

Two bartenders are driving on a seldom used back road through an isolated stretch of the county. They are on their way to a large country estate that is hosting a big party they agreed to bartend at. As luck would have it their car breaks down. The two bartenders are somewhat familiar with the area and know a gas station is just a few miles up the road so they get out and begin to walk towards it. 

After walking a few minutes one of the bartenders says to the other: "Hey do you smell that.” “Smell what the other replies”. “Bacon! Do you smell bacon” “Yeah it sure smell like bacon??” Confused they keep on walking and there in the distance they see a small leafy tree covered in bacon. There are strips of raw bacon on it, fried bacon on it, back bacon on it, double smoked bacon on it, and every imaginable kind of cured pork bacon one can think of.

"Look” one says – “it really is a bacon tree”. “No way” says the other one – “it must be a mirage.” “Have you ever heard of a mirage that smells like bacon?” With that, one of them starts to run towards the tree. As he gets within 5 yards of the tree a couple of guys guns suddenly appear and start shooting. The bartender is hit repeatedly and drops to the ground.

 

Mortally wounded, bleeding profusely and in great pain he yells out to his bartender buddy "go back, it’s not a bacon tree!"  Confused and scared and laying on the ground to protect himself the other bartender yells back "Well if it’s not a bacon tree what is it?" Using his last few breaths the wounded bartender yells out -

"Its 

Its 

Its 

Its

Its 

Its 

Its 

Its 

Its

Its 

Its 

It’s ... a Ham bush."

A Beautiful Christmas Bar Story

A husband and his wife were Christmas shopping at mall a few days before Christmas and it was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look around and see that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset as they had a lot of shopping to do. Worried where he might be she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, he said, "Do you remember that quaint little Jewelry Shop we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I promised you someday I would get it for you?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that shop." "Well, I'm in a little bar next door to it having a beer the mall is to crowded for me."

 

 

How I Wound Up Working In The Bar and Beverage Industry

Like most kids my parents wanted me to go to college after graduating from High School and be something important.  My mother had this dream I should become a Doctor.  She said it was a noble profession where I could help people and become rich.

So one Saturday morning, on a beautiful spring day my father drove me to this big Medical University about 3 hours away from home where they wanted me to enroll.

A member of the college staff greeted us when we arrived, then he escorted me to a large lecture hall where about 300 other high school seniors who wanted to be admitted to the University were already already seated. 

 

 

When the Dean of the Medical College walked in the room you could have heard a pin drop  - everyone became quiet.  The Dean told the staff members in the lecture hall to hand out the test booklets to everyone seated in the room.  When  told we were to open the booklet.  When we finally opened the booklet there was a single piece of paper inside that had five letters printed on it:    P N E S I. 

Our instructions were to rearrange those five letters to spell "the one part of the human body that is really only useful when it is fully erect".

All of the students who spelt the word SPINE were admitted to the University and as far as I know they all went on to become great Doctors. 

The rest of us who came up with a different part of the human body had to choose another career.  Consequently I wound up going into the bar and beverage industry.''

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